Need Inspiration Today? Here's 4 Quotes to Boost Your Spirits

 

        I. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are useless. Pursue money instead."

                             - Benjamin Franklin

        II. "That's not my name."

                             - The Ting Tings

        III. "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one."

                             - OJ Simpson

        IV. "You haven't lived until you've tasted the bud from the ever-growing tree of resentment. Fight I say, fight until your limbs go numb. Fight until you've lost 3 liters of blood. Fight as if the big man upstairs has 50 republic credits on you winning the match. Fight for your right to party."

                             - Baked James

The Surge of AI: A Camel's View

The Surge of AI: A Camel's View

 

We asked a camel from the hills of Gefai about his thoughts on the surge of AI.

Here were his answers…

 

Q: Have you seen some of the new AI produced art? 

A: Indubitably.

 

Q: What are your thoughts on AI superseding the need for human artistry?

A: I often permeate on this very topic. It is crucial to push the boundaries for cultural advancement, however, one must not delve into deep waters so whimsically and untroubled. Art cannot exist without free will. 

 

Q: Can you expound on that thought?

A: No, I cannot.

 

Q: Affirmative. What would you say to any youngster who wants to get in the game of AI?

A: Pursue agriculture instead.

 

Q: Are you anti-technology?

A: No, I do not like ants in my technology.

 

Q: If I offered you 10 million dollars to donate your soul to the illuminati, would you do it?

A: I am already in bondage to a man from Uruguay. Therefore, I cannot.

 

Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

A: No comment.

 

Q: Do you have any parting words?

A: I'm trying to earn a living, please buy more cigarettes.

Who Needs Soil?! How To Grow Flowers On Your Head In 4 Easy Steps!

 

Have you ever thought, "I'm so sick of depending on the earth to produce pretty flowers for me. I'm a strong and independent person!", or "If going bald wasn't so brash, I'd shave my head. Hair is so overrated."  

If you have, well you're not alone! Here's the 4 steps you can take to start growing your own personal garden out of your head...

1. Shave Your Head

The first step is really that simple! Get out that razor and shave cream and start ridding your beautiful scalp of that disgusting rug you wear.

2. Apply Our Proprietary Moisturizer "Turf-head" Evenly on Your Scalp

Apply this evenly and generously, as you only do this once. This is to ensure that the "artificially-grown" turf really takes root in your head. 

3. Water Twice a Day

Once you've applied the "Turf-head", grab your canteen of H2O and begin watering yourself (must have an exact PH level of 7.3 and have no traces of Iron of Bleach). AVOID ACTUALLY SHOWERING AT ALL COSTS DURING THIS PROCESS, as the pressure of your shower may damage the seeds in you scalp. 

4. See Results

If you continue this process, as well as occasionally hit the sun or tanning bed, we guarantee you will be growing beautiful flowers out of your head in no time! A wonderful beginning of your own personal garden, for many years to come. You can thank us later for helping sever your dependence on the earth. Your garden is yours alone!!

Warning, product is not FDA approved. Side effects may include brain damage, irreversible hair loss, cancer, hemorrhoids, cavities, memory loss, and/or Tommy John surgery. TAKE AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Don't worry sport, you'll get em' next time!

Dear ____,

So we get it...it was the BIGGEST game of your life, and you MISSED the big shot. Quit pitying yourself. Get over it. Nobody cares except you, your "Fangirl-ing" mother, and your hard-ass dad who told you "you're never getting a scholarship with that kind of performance"..

This event is inconsequential to the remainder of your life. It will never get brought up in conversation, even if you had made the shot. So deal with it. Move on. Life is about events that MATTER. Like getting your car washed, getting a new pair of slacks, and filing your taxes.

So go and get yourself a 401k and just forget about this insignificant time in your life. In 10 years, you'll be thanking us for this advice; we promise.

Our holiest regards,

Thalgus

 

Free WiFi

We're proud to announce we are now offering free wireless internet. Connect and use as needed. Thank you.

Router: My%11a03n6a828d 

Password: manchester6

6 Reasons NOT To Pick Newman For Kickball

Avoid Newman At All Costs

Kickball season is approaching fast, and although it is the offseason, it's important for kids in the schoolyard to start scouting their spring squad. There are several talented kids to choose from to represent your team, but there is one in particular that you mustn't pick -- that's Newman. Let's review why you should skip the pick.

1. Newman has asthma

• Kickball is about speed and agility. In order to capitalize on opportunity, you need to have top notch skills when it comes to running. If a runner is limited by his own physical being, then what good is it serving you and your team? You really want someone trying to beat out a double and then needing a five-minute inhaler break? Hell no. Keep the momentum going. Skip Newman.

2. Newman has poor foot-eye coordination

• Kickball isn't hard. The ball is rolling at a slow speed, and all you have to do is put your best foot forward and give it a kick. Strikeouts are uncommon simply because the ball is six times the size of the average foot. But that stat doesn't apply to Newman. You can argue his talent with him kicking .276 overall, but with a .308 strikeout rate, that's almost the most pathetic thing I've ever heard of. Make contact, it's that easy. Skip Newman.

3. Newman smells like an open can of refried beans left out in the sun

• Not only does Newman flat-out stink at kickball, he smells godawful too. Not sure if it's from something at home, or if the he doesn't shower or bathe, but it's just disgusting. A kickball team isn't going to smell like milk and honey, but they sure as hell don't need to smell like the trash that's on the roster. Skip Newman.

4. Newman got a C- in Physical Education

• Are you f***ing serious? It's f***ing gym -- just run around and do the activity and you get an A. He must've been sick some days or maybe he was just being a little b*tch with his stupid asthma. Either way, it shows poor physical form. Skip Newman.

5. Shawn doesn't like Newman

• Shawn is hands-down the best kickball player in the class, and you wan't him on your team. While Shawn can carry a team to a playoff-caliber season, he can't get along with Newman. They were friends like three years ago and got in a fight when Newman slept over at his house or something like that. The details are a little foggy. But yeah, just keep him away from Shawn. Bad chemistry is no good for a successful team. Skip Newman.

6. Newman's brother Jess works at Hollister

• Despite Newman being essentially worthless to the kickball team, his brother works the sales floor at Hollister. Sometimes if you're nice, he gives you a good discount. Now, Jess and Newman don't exactly see eye-to-eye, but by keeping him off of your kickball squad means you'll still think highly of Jess by not having Newman around. It's a win-win. Good for the team, and good for your fashion statement.

Top 5 Massage Therapists in the Tri-County Area

Is your neck feeling tight? 

How about your back? 

If you answered yes, it might be time to call your local massage therapist...but who should you go with? Whose hands can you trust to rub that disgusting backside of yours? 

To help make your decision a little easier, we've decided to curate a list of the top 5, local massage therapists in the tri-county area.

(we pinky promise these massage therapists didn't pay us for advertising)

#1

Rob's Rib Rub

Some say Rob has the best mits since Joe DiMaggio, and we're not talking about baseball gloves...we're talking hands. Those magical mits will make sure to cure any tightness you have in the backtorial region...and with a 4.7 rating out of 5 on the MS (Massage Scale), Rob shows no signs of slowing down.   

#2

Sexy Stan

At the ripe age of 34, Stan has continued to impress the locals with his soft touch and savory smile. In fact, he's so sexy and suave, that patients massage him in return! Just so they can try and return the favor. With a 4.5 rating out of 5 on the MS, Sexy Stan stands tall in the very competitive, massage business.

#3

Larry Lust

Don't let the name fool you. Larry is celibate and takes no part in sexual activities. The name actually was coined by customers, who after receiving a massage from Larry, wanted to put the move on him. He currently owns a 4.4 rating out of 5 on the MS.

#4

Gracey Fingers

Ol' Gracey has the fingers of a fairy, and could loosen up any knot out there...even the trucker's hitch!  If only she hadn't lost 2 of her 10 fingers in the Battle of Buckingtram, she'd top this list...but instead she helms a 4 rating out of 5 on the MS...........or 8/10....  😉

#5

Benny Manhands

Benny is a direct descendent of a long running line of lumberjacks. His father, Lenny, his grandfather, Denny, and his great grandfather Kenny, all worked in the hills of Thaylkie cutting down all sorts of trees. However, after losing his left leg in the woodchipper accident of '92, Benny decided to switch career paths, and pursue his dream of becoming a massage therapist. Folks love him and his strong hands, which is reflected by his 4 out of 5 rating on the MS.  

Is Dolphins Legend Mark Clayton Eyeing A Return To The NFL?

It would be the comeback of the century..

When Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mark Clayton retired in 1993, no one thought of a possible comeback and return to the league. But now, a new series of tweets from Clayton indicate that he is trending towards a comeback. It's been now 26 years since the former wide receiver was targeted by Packers quarterback Brett Favre, but don't rule him out just yet. 

On Tuesday, Clayton took to Twitter and said, "I am eyeing a return to the NFL."

It's a cryptic message, and analysts aren't one-hundred percent sure how to interpret it, but it is becoming more and more likely that we could see 83 running fly routes downfield in 2019.

If Clayton returned, here are some potential landing spots:

Pittsburgh Steelers: The steel city could use a number 2 wideout to help Mason Rudolph finish the season strong and further solidify himself in the MVP conversation.

Dallas Cowboys: Jerry Jones loves to take risks, but he would be at ease knowing the 58-year old veteran would bring his A game every week.

Ottawa Senators: Clayton could bring a lot to the table here if he were to dip his toe into the NHL, and Ottawa would be an excellent place for him to land. The team is in the middle of a rebuild, and are continuously bringing in young talent along with a few veterans to round out the team. It would be a terrific spot for Clayton to develop, and hopefully compete at an advanced level within the next six years.

5 Bold Predictions

5 Bold Predictions

#1 - Predictions

#2 - Predictions

#3 - Predictions

#4 - Predictions

#5 - Predictions

Thinking of Joining a Choir? Not So Fast...

So... You want to join a choir?

Hold it right there bucko.

This ain't a walk in the park sorta deal.

This takes guts.

A choir consists of many elements, all of which require several traits which you do not have.

That being said, not all hope is lost!

Consider the following:

• A choir sings songs
• A choir contains multiple people
• A choir is far too elite for your skillset

There are many other options for you instead of joining a choir.

Consider the following alternative options:

• Digging
• Knitting
• Drowning

You should never feel discouraged to do anything in life.

You have what it takes, and as long as you put your mind to something, you can do it.

Except joining a choir.

That, you cannot do.

I Lost 20lbs In A Week, Using These 3 Simple Tricks!

About a week ago, I was 447lbs 

I knew I was living unhealthy, and decided that I had to do something about my weight. However, I couldn't find a program/regimen that was right for me..that is until I tried these 3, simple tricks...

#1 - I Stopped Eating! Completely!

You'd be amazed at how much weight you can lose when you stop eating, and ignore your body's cry for nourishment.

#2 - I Ran 70 Miles A Day.

The first few days were tough, especially since the last time I ran was in Middle School..but after the 3rd day, my legs went numb, so I couldn't feel the pain anymore.

#3 - I Got Liposuction! 

After the sixth day of training I got tired..so I decided to just fork over the money for surgery/removal of my fat!

Visit our website @ www.weightwatchers.com, and print off this regimen to help you lose fat, fast!

Holy S***! It's F***ing Duncan!!!

That's Right! It's F***ing Duncan!

I can't believe he's back! He's f***ing back! S***!!

Seems like it was just f***ing yesterday when this b**** decided that he was too f***ing cool to be center stage.

This s***head was one f***ing bad blow away from being utterly f***ed.

But now he decides, "Oh F***! It's F***ing time to **** the ***** and **************j."

What a f***ing coward.

S***!

Jerome would be proud.

Welcome back Duncan.

You f***ing did it you *****x**.

This article was brought to you by F.*.*.*. (Fathers United for Censoring Kids)

Wow! PETA Has Built An All New Animal Shelter for Christoph's Pet Peeves!

PETA For The Win!

In a world of constant disappointment, it's great to hear some positive news for a change! And that's all thanks to PETA...

A little over a month ago, Christoph had 40 Pet Peeves, and was taking care of them all by himself. With a 40 hour-a-week job, two kids, and a greedy wife, it was just too difficult to take care of his pet peeves...However, after hearing about this potential pet abuse situation, PETA decided to step in and do something about it...

In a matter of weeks, PETA found a way to fund and build an all new animal shelter for Christoph's pet peeves; who now have a safe, and healthy place to grow and flourish!

Meanwhile, PETA has taken legal action against Christoph. He is being sued, and tried for pet abuse in the state of Florida, and his max sentence is 10 years at the Florida State Penitentiary.

If you know anyone that has a similar situation to Christoph, please do not hesitate to contact your local PETA representative. There corporate number is 1-(800)-457-PETA.

Happy Birthday Thaddeus Lowe

Happy Birthday Thaddeus Lowe! 

The late great American pioneer would have been 187 today.

Take some time today to remember Thaddeus.

No Funny Business: Just Business

We're Taking Care Of Business

Thalgus is a business.

We do lots of business.

We do business better than anybody else does business.

What is our business?

It's none of your business.

It's business.

No funny business.

Just business.

We asked seven random people on the street to find Uzbekistan on a map. Their responses will SHOCK you.

We Asked Seven Random People On The Street To Find Uzbekistan On A Map. Their Responses Will SHOCK You.

Maps are confusing, but geography is an important part of life. On Thursday, our street correspondent Ralph asked seven random strangers if they could point out the country of Uzbekistan on a world map. Their answers are shocking:

1. 

Ralph: Can you point to Uzbekistan for me?

Mary: Sure.

2.

Ralph: I'd like to see if you can point out the country of Uzbekistan on this map.

Arnold: Why?

3.

Ralph: Can you show me where Uzbekistan is?

Hunter: Yeah, it's right here.

4.

Ralph: Real simple, just point to Uzbekistan for me.

Lena: There it is.

5.

Ralph: Can you point out the nation of Uzbekistan?

Jaime: Okay, yeah. Umm. Here.

6.

Ralph: Where is Uzbekistan?

Craig: Do you know where I can get a hit of that sweet black tar heroin?

7.

Ralph: I'd like you to point out Uzbekistan on this map.

Sharron: Sure. It's right here, to the north of Turkmenistan. 

Wow. Absolutely shocking.

*Craig was later reported to the police.

3 Quick Ways To Determine If You Have Polio

Every year, Polio kills approximately 7 Americans, 2 Italians, and 1 Roman...and since it's an extremely rare disease, the symptoms tend to get disregarded...This is why we've taken the time to compile a few scenarios; to help you determine whether you have polio or not.   

You May Have Polio If...

1. Someone yells "Marco!", and you answer with "Polio!" instead of "Polo!"
2. You own all 6 seasons of, "Rolie, Polie, Olie"
3. You own more than 4 polo shirts
4. You hate New York, yet you have a strong affinity for the Polo Grounds

If you have one or more of these symptoms, we advise you to talk to your doctor IMMEDIATELY. If you don't want to, then whatever..can't say we didn't warn you.

Career Opportunities at Thalgus: We're Hiring!

We're Hiring! 

Get a job you degenerate bum! Thalgus is expanding, and there are several new opportunities. Whether it's with the record label, video marketing team, or social media squad, we've got you covered! We're an exciting start-up and have a fun, diverse work environment -- you'll fit right in! (No Irish please).

Check out our available positions, and give us a call if you'd like to apply!

Paleontologist

• Minimum of 5 years experience required
• PhD required
• Must listen to Nickelback
• Able to work Thursdays
• Can lift up to 70 lbs
• Hard-working, closed-minded
• Mute preferred

Archaeologist

• Minimum of 3 years experience in the field (4 years in the lab)
• High School Diploma or GED preferred
• Must be tolerant of ants and other bugs
• No kids
• No family attachments
• No drama

Psychologist

• Minimum of 1 college course taken
• Must be a fan of Donkey Kong Country for NES Classic
• Able to sleep through daylight
• Short
• 4/20 Friendly
• Can explain what a Psychologist does

Sociologist

• Minimum of 3 years experience
• Minimum age of 27
• Maximum age of 29
• Wears glasses
• Doesn't support Title 36 CFR Part 13

Anthropologist

• Must be graduate of one of the following Universities:
• Oxford
• Yale
• ITT Technical Institution
• Schilling-Douglas School of Hair Design, LLC - Delaware
• Must know which bones are the leg bones
• Must have bones

Interior Train & Rail Designer

• Must have the ability to design the interiors of train and rail

Bounty Hunter

• Hard-working, intelligent
• Preferably identical to the physique of Rob Lowe
• Must supply own guns and ammunition
• Must have hunting license

Dig Site Lifeguard

• Must be ab absolute, drop-dead hunk
• Shredded abs
• Rocking body
• CPR Certified
• Minimum of 1 year experience

Construction Worker (looking to hire 65)

• Must work in construction
• Must know 64 others working in construction

Coroner

• Minimum 4 years experience
• Must have quick-thinking abilities
• Able to identify the deceased on the spot within 5 minutes
• Good communication skills

Navy SEAL Lieutenant Commander

• Minimum 2 years experience (in boot camp)
• LARGE and IN CHARGE

For all interested in applying, Thalgus provides wonderful benefits and amenities. They include the following:

• No Pay

• Salary will be offered in SEARS vouchers

• Full Benefits with personalized options

• NO VISION, NO DENTAL, NO EXCEPTIONS

• 301K, Retirement planning

• 18 Weeks Vacation, 1 Sick Day

• Company Coroner on Standby

• Company will match funeral expenses

Start your career today! 

Call us for more info! 

1-800-6

8 Must-See Concerts This Summer

8 Must-See Concerts This Summer

You don't want to miss out on these summer shows...

Summer is halfway done, and if you haven't been to any exciting concerts yet, we have some that you don't want to skip. 

1. Alanis Morissette - LIVE at Union Park in Chicago (July 16th)

That's right, Alanis is back on stage and ready to rock the crowd in Chicago. It's her first concert since 2003 and she's picking up right where she left off. Plan on hearing her top hits, "Ironic", "You Know", and "I Ate Too Much Ben & Jerry's And Fell Asleep On The Couch".

2. Bertie Higgins - Key Largo Tour at Madison Square Garden (July 18th)

Bertie is making a comeback after his 1982 single "Key Largo" gained traction in Peru. The track hasn't been relevant since the first two weeks of its release back in 82, where it charted 74th on the Billboard Lukewarm 100. Bertie plans on a packed house for this one.

3. Lou Bega - The Complete Mambo Collection (LIVE IN DALLAS) (July 26th)

You may recall Lou Bega's famous hit "Mambo No.5" but you've never heard the other Mambo's from his hidden discography. Lou is unleashing them all LIVE in Dallas. After hearing Mambo No. 9, you'll be asking for a little more Ursula by your side.

4. Alanis Morissette - LIVE at Wyoming State Fair (July 27th)

Just in case you missed Alanis back in Chicago, the superstar will also be performing at the Wyoming State Fair. Get in on the action!

5. Skrillex & Cher - World Tour (Kicks off in Raleigh, NC - July 30th)

This collaboration concert will be one for the ages. It brings the energy and bass of electronic producer Skrillex and adds the soothing natural sounding voice of 36-time Grammy Award Winner Cher. Get ready to believe in life after love... after you drop the bass.

6. Raffi - LIVE in Phoenix (August 5th)

The children's singer/songwriting legend is bringing all the hits back with this incredible show at University of Phoenix Stadium. The Arizona Cardinals preseason matchup has been cancelled for this performance. Come out and shine the light on your phone, as you chant the memorable lyrics of "The More We Get Together" and "Baby Beluga" into the late hours of the night. This is a 6-hour concert, so bring plenty of Tylenol.

7. Alanis Morissette - LIVE in Anchorage (August 16th)

In case you missed Alanis in both Chicago and Wyoming, you also have the chance to see her perform in Alaska as the summer season wraps up. Grab your tickets now, you don't want to miss this one.

8. Dave - LIVE at Freddy's Mom's house (August 19th)

Dave got permission from his parents to host a garage concert sometime this summer. He was able to secure the August 19th date, but unfortunately, his Dad will be out of town on a business trip. Luckily, Freddy stepped in and got permission from his Mom to use their garage instead. Dave has been playing guitar for 6 months and is ready to WOW the crowds with simple C to G chord progressions. It's going to be an absolute rager!

Archeologists Uncover Ancient Cave Drawing of Willem Dafoe!

The Discovery of a Lifetime

The world is officially stunned at the discovery made this past Sunday. Just west of Manhattan, Archeologists began an excavation project, that uncovered an ancient cave drawing...but not just any cave drawing...

...At a closer glance, the cave drawing strongly resembles that of Willem Dafoe. Alarming, but quite undeniable after further inspection. 

Archeologists were astounded at the uncanny resemblance, and one excavator from the dig even claimed it was "...the most beautiful, yet disturbing drawing..." he'd ever seen...

So what does it mean? How could an ancient cave drawing perfectly depict the facial features of Willem Dafoe? Was it magic? Perhaps there was someone who looked similar to him in the stone ages? Or is time travel really a possibility? 

A curious mystery that we may never solve, yet many archeologists remain optimistic. Immediately following the discovery, the excavating crew requested additional funds to expand the project, and hopefully find some answers. You can stay up to date with their findings on the Manhattan City website, or visit www.willemdafoecavedrawing.net.