6 Reasons NOT To Pick Newman For Kickball

Avoid Newman At All Costs

Kickball season is approaching fast, and although it is the offseason, it's important for kids in the schoolyard to start scouting their spring squad. There are several talented kids to choose from to represent your team, but there is one in particular that you mustn't pick -- that's Newman. Let's review why you should skip the pick.

1. Newman has asthma

• Kickball is about speed and agility. In order to capitalize on opportunity, you need to have top notch skills when it comes to running. If a runner is limited by his own physical being, then what good is it serving you and your team? You really want someone trying to beat out a double and then needing a five-minute inhaler break? Hell no. Keep the momentum going. Skip Newman.

2. Newman has poor foot-eye coordination

• Kickball isn't hard. The ball is rolling at a slow speed, and all you have to do is put your best foot forward and give it a kick. Strikeouts are uncommon simply because the ball is six times the size of the average foot. But that stat doesn't apply to Newman. You can argue his talent with him kicking .276 overall, but with a .308 strikeout rate, that's almost the most pathetic thing I've ever heard of. Make contact, it's that easy. Skip Newman.

3. Newman smells like an open can of refried beans left out in the sun

• Not only does Newman flat-out stink at kickball, he smells godawful too. Not sure if it's from something at home, or if the he doesn't shower or bathe, but it's just disgusting. A kickball team isn't going to smell like milk and honey, but they sure as hell don't need to smell like the trash that's on the roster. Skip Newman.

4. Newman got a C- in Physical Education

• Are you f***ing serious? It's f***ing gym -- just run around and do the activity and you get an A. He must've been sick some days or maybe he was just being a little b*tch with his stupid asthma. Either way, it shows poor physical form. Skip Newman.

5. Shawn doesn't like Newman

• Shawn is hands-down the best kickball player in the class, and you wan't him on your team. While Shawn can carry a team to a playoff-caliber season, he can't get along with Newman. They were friends like three years ago and got in a fight when Newman slept over at his house or something like that. The details are a little foggy. But yeah, just keep him away from Shawn. Bad chemistry is no good for a successful team. Skip Newman.

6. Newman's brother Jess works at Hollister

• Despite Newman being essentially worthless to the kickball team, his brother works the sales floor at Hollister. Sometimes if you're nice, he gives you a good discount. Now, Jess and Newman don't exactly see eye-to-eye, but by keeping him off of your kickball squad means you'll still think highly of Jess by not having Newman around. It's a win-win. Good for the team, and good for your fashion statement.