Ranking The Numbers 1-10

Top Ten: Ranking The Numbers 1-10

In the day and age of lists and rankings, it's only fitting that we put together our official ranking of the numbers one through ten. Some of them may surprise you:

#10 - 6

Let's face it: 6 is dull. It doesn't sprout new life and provides very little hope in terms of numerical data. It's last on our ranking simply because it the daftest of digits. I spit on you, six.

#9 - 4

I know what you're thinking -- how can four be ranked ninth overall? I assure you we're not discriminating against even numbers. You're just applying that connotation simply because a basic pattern has been observed. Stop while you're ahead please.

#8 - 2

There you go again with the even numbers bull crap. There is no discrimination. It's simply how the data falls into place. All the number 2 means is "not one" and "not three." It is demeaning and presents no real reward. No one cares.

#7 - 10

Alright, ten is a tough one. It's sleek, it's sexy, but it's too much work. It's so tough to muster up the energy for that second digit, and frankly, it's rarely ever worth it.

#6 - 5

Five is too indicative. Two straight lines and then some three-quarter circle crap. Meh.

#5 - 8

Eight is great -- but not that great. It ranks fifth because it is adequate. It's fun, exciting, but also brings several connotations like paganism and veganism.

#4 - 9 

Nine is a silky smooth digit that brings a lot to the table. The great philosopher Archimedes believed nine brought a lot to the table. It's not number one, certainly brings a lot to the table.

#3 - 3

3

#2 - 1

It's controversial, but makes perfect sense. 1 is old news and needs a reality check. Times are changing and digits change and evolve over time. History does have a chance of repeating itself, so 1 could make a comeback in the near future.

#1 - 7

The granddaddy of all digits - number 7 has it all going. It looks like 1, but don't let it fool you. It's sleek look is a modern twist on a new number one, and it looks to hold the top spot for years to come.

It's Hank's Golden Birthday!

Happy Birthday Hank!

This loving and caring old fart is 78 today, and check out how good he looks.

Hank -- you don't look one day over 72.

But this is a special birthday for Hank -- it's his Golden Birthday!

Hank was born August 78th 1941 in New Jersey.

Today, he is celebrating his big day with his children at the all-you-can-eat buffet at Golden Corral.

Happy Birthday buddy! Hope it's a good one!

Cyberball: A Review

Reviewing one of the most iconic games of the early 1990's

If you've spent any time in your life playing video games, there is one that everyone recalls and has vast memories of playing.

Cyberball was released by Atari Games back in 1988 and is most famous for its "remastered edition" on SEGA Genesis.

Set in 2022, Cyberball is an arcade game of 7-man American football, using robotic avatars or different speeds, sizes, and skills.

Historians say it was the first major sports game and gave way to the development of EA's Madden NFL Football franchise.

Unfortunately, the game never really found a niche audience and sales plummeted from the start.

Final Rating: 3/10

"Everybody Loves Raymond" Ruined My Life - A Memoir by Raymond Muckspout

The Golden Years

On April 30, 1986, I, Raymond Muckspout was born. Roughly ten years prior to the "doomsday debut" of Everybody Loves Raymond...

In those ten years, life was peaceful; almost effortless. I was gifted a perfect childhood, thanks to my wonderful parents. They provided me with all of the necessities, taught me right from wrong, and protected me from the world's dangers. I had many friends, and the whole town seemed to show me love and favor on a daily basis...

...however, on September 13, 1996, all of that changed...

The Dark Times

After the show aired its debut, everyone began treating me like scum. I was getting strange looks, the bullies began giving me twice the daily dose of wedgies, and even my parents were putting me in timeouts more than usual...and yet I didn't quite understand why...that is, at the time...

One day, after months of torment and mistreatment, I got the courage to ask my parents why everyone was treating me so bad. Rolling their eyes and scoffing at me, they answered, "Are you really that oblivious Raymond? Have you not heard? There can only be one Raymond that everybody loves...and that's not you. It's Ray Romano." Stricken with shock, as any normal 10 year old would be, I ran to my room; appalled that this was actually happening... 

 The conditions only worsened when I found out the very next day, that I was going to be a foster kid. Not because my parents passed away, but because they would rather budget money for the special edition DVD boxset of "Everybody Loves Raymond" than for their own kid. Essentially leaving me to fend for myself in this cruel world...

Many years have passed since then, but I will never forget what that show did to my life. Ever since, it's been my life goal to destroy every copy of Everybody Loves Raymond. Because for my life, it's been on the contrary; Everybody HATES Raymond...

- by Raymond Muckspout

Are you an Illegitimate Child of Jay Leno? Take This Short Quiz to Find Out!

Quiz: Are you an Illegitimate Child of Jay Leno?

Question #1: Briefs or boxers? 

• Briefs
• Boxers

Question #2: Does peanut butter make you queasy? 

• Yes
• No

Question #3: Do you have any relatives in the state of Arkansas?

• Yes
• No 

Question #4: Are you prone to tuberculosis?

• Yes 
• No

Question #5: Do you have a Special Edition, VHS copy of Sharktale?  

• Yes
• No

Question #6: Can I have it?

• Yes
• No

The Results

If you answered yes to both questions 5 and 6, then please send your VHS copy of Sharktale to this address... 

345 Thalgus Ave. 

Portland, OR 79302

However, if you answered "briefs" for question #1, I'm afraid it proves you're an illegitimate child of Jay Leno. You can send this blog link as evidence in your accusation letter. We encourage you to send it to his estate, to inquire about a future settlement. 

Why I Abandoned My Political Career To Pursue A Life Working In Mass Gravel Production

by Francis Kilganon, Jr.

I'll be the first to admit that I made a mistake. I had followed in the footsteps of my father and his father, never crossing party lines but continuing to fight on the side of the left. Three generations of Kilganon's in the legislative bureau would leave a government legacy on my life -- and I had to take it upon myself to change it.

But why?

Father served as Nebraska deputy Attorney General for 8 years (1984-1992), Grandfather was the Nebraska Senate Minority Leader for 4 (1965-1969). Hell, Aunt Blanche was on the Omaha City Council for 2 years (until she failed a drug test and was later arrested for possession of illegal substances and bail jumping).

I had the makings of Lieutenant Governor and I could've had the position easier than snakeskin in a wicker basket -- I just couldn't handle the stress anymore.

I put my life into my own hands and joined a small contract construction group outside of Lincoln - -and that's where I saw my true potential for the first time.

I was destined to be a line worker for a mass gravel production company.

Something about crushing small stones from dusk til' dawn felt more empowering than any legislative bills I contributed to. I wasn't trying to move mountains anymore -- I was destroying them.

Little did I know, gravel production was on the rise. Never before had there been such a demand for gravel before 2015 -- and I hit my stride at the perfect time. 

What most American's don't know, is that mass gravel production actually accounts for 23% of the United States' annual revenue. It is the sixth-leading export of North America thanks to the region's rich bedrock and adequate temperatures. And if you invest in mass gravel production early enough, you'll find stocks continuing to soar on Wall Street - at a rate of nearly 1.6% quarterly. It's not bull crap, it's just basic economics.

Since 2015, I have now earned two pay raises and have been promoted from Line Worker to Line Worker Assistant Supervisor. I am now making $17/hr but cannot exceed 30 hours of work per request of the merging contract construction firm and OSHA.

Life is good. I have a future here, and I see a future for several generations of Kilganon's in the gravel industry.

5 Things You Should Never Say to an Eel

Throughout the ages, Eels and humans have co-existed peacefully. Leading simple lives on land, and in the water. However, since the Amazon Insurgence of 2012, tensions between the two species have escalated exponentially...making it difficult to communicate without haste. 

Therefore, to help mend the broken relationship between humans and Eels, we've decided to create a helpful guide for humans, about the 5 things you should never say to an Eel...

1. "...your mom"

Eels hate "your mom" jokes..any comment regarding their families/kin in a negative connotation will instantly provoke distaste. We suggest occasional sarcasm as a replacement.

2. "Can you do the electric slide?"

This is a very offensive statement to Eels, as not all Eels are electric. Try asking if they can do the "Cha Cha Slide" instead.  

3. "F&*% you"

Generally speaking, Eels do not like foul language and do not appreciate vulgarity directed at them. Best to stay away from this phrase in general.

4. "How about that weather?"

Eels are easily irritated anytime the weather is mentioned. Being under water, they usually deal with the same conditions on a daily basis and have no interest in land dweller quarrels.  

5. "How's Chester?"

The only Eel named Chester is a hated, tax collector. Nobody likes Chester, so it's probably best to avoid his name in conversation. 

So we hope you've enjoyed these 5 helpful tips on "Things You Should Never Say to an Eel", and we wish you good luck on your future Eel conversations. To continue reading our informational blogs, please hit the subscribe button, or follow the links to our socials. Ta ta!


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Thalgus: A Birth Reborn

Delaware, 1973:

A full moon, a warm blanket, and six cubic meters of yarn within the confines of a small child.

Don't ask why -- I just can't take the pressure.

Thalgus was more than just a name back then -- it was an idea, an ideology. But Darnell was naive, and underestimated its ability.

I, for one, took it upon myself to clean up the mess.

Don't ask why.

It seems that it was only a matter of time, which, at this point, didn't even matter.

Time is linear, but ideas disobey the laws of a linear structure.

But I digress...

The goal was simple:

Spread awareness. Bestow and uphold what it had left within me onto others as before it was.

Don't ask why.

Questions these days are all too open-ended and thoughtless.

You must understand the cost of all this.

But at what cost?

Don't ask why.

I don't have regrets.

I'm just a shell of the man I was.