6 Reasons NOT To Pick Newman For Kickball

Avoid Newman At All Costs

Kickball season is approaching fast, and although it is the offseason, it's important for kids in the schoolyard to start scouting their spring squad. There are several talented kids to choose from to represent your team, but there is one in particular that you mustn't pick -- that's Newman. Let's review why you should skip the pick.

1. Newman has asthma

• Kickball is about speed and agility. In order to capitalize on opportunity, you need to have top notch skills when it comes to running. If a runner is limited by his own physical being, then what good is it serving you and your team? You really want someone trying to beat out a double and then needing a five-minute inhaler break? Hell no. Keep the momentum going. Skip Newman.

2. Newman has poor foot-eye coordination

• Kickball isn't hard. The ball is rolling at a slow speed, and all you have to do is put your best foot forward and give it a kick. Strikeouts are uncommon simply because the ball is six times the size of the average foot. But that stat doesn't apply to Newman. You can argue his talent with him kicking .276 overall, but with a .308 strikeout rate, that's almost the most pathetic thing I've ever heard of. Make contact, it's that easy. Skip Newman.

3. Newman smells like an open can of refried beans left out in the sun

• Not only does Newman flat-out stink at kickball, he smells godawful too. Not sure if it's from something at home, or if the he doesn't shower or bathe, but it's just disgusting. A kickball team isn't going to smell like milk and honey, but they sure as hell don't need to smell like the trash that's on the roster. Skip Newman.

4. Newman got a C- in Physical Education

• Are you f***ing serious? It's f***ing gym -- just run around and do the activity and you get an A. He must've been sick some days or maybe he was just being a little b*tch with his stupid asthma. Either way, it shows poor physical form. Skip Newman.

5. Shawn doesn't like Newman

• Shawn is hands-down the best kickball player in the class, and you wan't him on your team. While Shawn can carry a team to a playoff-caliber season, he can't get along with Newman. They were friends like three years ago and got in a fight when Newman slept over at his house or something like that. The details are a little foggy. But yeah, just keep him away from Shawn. Bad chemistry is no good for a successful team. Skip Newman.

6. Newman's brother Jess works at Hollister

• Despite Newman being essentially worthless to the kickball team, his brother works the sales floor at Hollister. Sometimes if you're nice, he gives you a good discount. Now, Jess and Newman don't exactly see eye-to-eye, but by keeping him off of your kickball squad means you'll still think highly of Jess by not having Newman around. It's a win-win. Good for the team, and good for your fashion statement.

Top 5 Massage Therapists in the Tri-County Area

Is your neck feeling tight? 

How about your back? 

If you answered yes, it might be time to call your local massage therapist...but who should you go with? Whose hands can you trust to rub that disgusting backside of yours? 

To help make your decision a little easier, we've decided to curate a list of the top 5, local massage therapists in the tri-county area.

(we pinky promise these massage therapists didn't pay us for advertising)

#1

Rob's Rib Rub

Some say Rob has the best mits since Joe DiMaggio, and we're not talking about baseball gloves...we're talking hands. Those magical mits will make sure to cure any tightness you have in the backtorial region...and with a 4.7 rating out of 5 on the MS (Massage Scale), Rob shows no signs of slowing down.   

#2

Sexy Stan

At the ripe age of 34, Stan has continued to impress the locals with his soft touch and savory smile. In fact, he's so sexy and suave, that patients massage him in return! Just so they can try and return the favor. With a 4.5 rating out of 5 on the MS, Sexy Stan stands tall in the very competitive, massage business.

#3

Larry Lust

Don't let the name fool you. Larry is celibate and takes no part in sexual activities. The name actually was coined by customers, who after receiving a massage from Larry, wanted to put the move on him. He currently owns a 4.4 rating out of 5 on the MS.

#4

Gracey Fingers

Ol' Gracey has the fingers of a fairy, and could loosen up any knot out there...even the trucker's hitch!  If only she hadn't lost 2 of her 10 fingers in the Battle of Buckingtram, she'd top this list...but instead she helms a 4 rating out of 5 on the MS...........or 8/10....  😉

#5

Benny Manhands

Benny is a direct descendent of a long running line of lumberjacks. His father, Lenny, his grandfather, Denny, and his great grandfather Kenny, all worked in the hills of Thaylkie cutting down all sorts of trees. However, after losing his left leg in the woodchipper accident of '92, Benny decided to switch career paths, and pursue his dream of becoming a massage therapist. Folks love him and his strong hands, which is reflected by his 4 out of 5 rating on the MS.  

Is Dolphins Legend Mark Clayton Eyeing A Return To The NFL?

It would be the comeback of the century..

When Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mark Clayton retired in 1993, no one thought of a possible comeback and return to the league. But now, a new series of tweets from Clayton indicate that he is trending towards a comeback. It's been now 26 years since the former wide receiver was targeted by Packers quarterback Brett Favre, but don't rule him out just yet. 

On Tuesday, Clayton took to Twitter and said, "I am eyeing a return to the NFL."

It's a cryptic message, and analysts aren't one-hundred percent sure how to interpret it, but it is becoming more and more likely that we could see 83 running fly routes downfield in 2019.

If Clayton returned, here are some potential landing spots:

Pittsburgh Steelers: The steel city could use a number 2 wideout to help Mason Rudolph finish the season strong and further solidify himself in the MVP conversation.

Dallas Cowboys: Jerry Jones loves to take risks, but he would be at ease knowing the 58-year old veteran would bring his A game every week.

Ottawa Senators: Clayton could bring a lot to the table here if he were to dip his toe into the NHL, and Ottawa would be an excellent place for him to land. The team is in the middle of a rebuild, and are continuously bringing in young talent along with a few veterans to round out the team. It would be a terrific spot for Clayton to develop, and hopefully compete at an advanced level within the next six years.