Happy Birthday Thaddeus Lowe

Happy Birthday Thaddeus Lowe! 

The late great American pioneer would have been 187 today.

Take some time today to remember Thaddeus.

No Funny Business: Just Business

We're Taking Care Of Business

Thalgus is a business.

We do lots of business.

We do business better than anybody else does business.

What is our business?

It's none of your business.

It's business.

No funny business.

Just business.

We asked seven random people on the street to find Uzbekistan on a map. Their responses will SHOCK you.

We Asked Seven Random People On The Street To Find Uzbekistan On A Map. Their Responses Will SHOCK You.

Maps are confusing, but geography is an important part of life. On Thursday, our street correspondent Ralph asked seven random strangers if they could point out the country of Uzbekistan on a world map. Their answers are shocking:

1. 

Ralph: Can you point to Uzbekistan for me?

Mary: Sure.

2.

Ralph: I'd like to see if you can point out the country of Uzbekistan on this map.

Arnold: Why?

3.

Ralph: Can you show me where Uzbekistan is?

Hunter: Yeah, it's right here.

4.

Ralph: Real simple, just point to Uzbekistan for me.

Lena: There it is.

5.

Ralph: Can you point out the nation of Uzbekistan?

Jaime: Okay, yeah. Umm. Here.

6.

Ralph: Where is Uzbekistan?

Craig: Do you know where I can get a hit of that sweet black tar heroin?

7.

Ralph: I'd like you to point out Uzbekistan on this map.

Sharron: Sure. It's right here, to the north of Turkmenistan. 

Wow. Absolutely shocking.

*Craig was later reported to the police.

3 Quick Ways To Determine If You Have Polio

Every year, Polio kills approximately 7 Americans, 2 Italians, and 1 Roman...and since it's an extremely rare disease, the symptoms tend to get disregarded...This is why we've taken the time to compile a few scenarios; to help you determine whether you have polio or not.   

You May Have Polio If...

1. Someone yells "Marco!", and you answer with "Polio!" instead of "Polo!"
2. You own all 6 seasons of, "Rolie, Polie, Olie"
3. You own more than 4 polo shirts
4. You hate New York, yet you have a strong affinity for the Polo Grounds

If you have one or more of these symptoms, we advise you to talk to your doctor IMMEDIATELY. If you don't want to, then whatever..can't say we didn't warn you.

Career Opportunities at Thalgus: We're Hiring!

We're Hiring! 

Get a job you degenerate bum! Thalgus is expanding, and there are several new opportunities. Whether it's with the record label, video marketing team, or social media squad, we've got you covered! We're an exciting start-up and have a fun, diverse work environment -- you'll fit right in! (No Irish please).

Check out our available positions, and give us a call if you'd like to apply!

Paleontologist

• Minimum of 5 years experience required
• PhD required
• Must listen to Nickelback
• Able to work Thursdays
• Can lift up to 70 lbs
• Hard-working, closed-minded
• Mute preferred

Archaeologist

• Minimum of 3 years experience in the field (4 years in the lab)
• High School Diploma or GED preferred
• Must be tolerant of ants and other bugs
• No kids
• No family attachments
• No drama

Psychologist

• Minimum of 1 college course taken
• Must be a fan of Donkey Kong Country for NES Classic
• Able to sleep through daylight
• Short
• 4/20 Friendly
• Can explain what a Psychologist does

Sociologist

• Minimum of 3 years experience
• Minimum age of 27
• Maximum age of 29
• Wears glasses
• Doesn't support Title 36 CFR Part 13

Anthropologist

• Must be graduate of one of the following Universities:
• Oxford
• Yale
• ITT Technical Institution
• Schilling-Douglas School of Hair Design, LLC - Delaware
• Must know which bones are the leg bones
• Must have bones

Interior Train & Rail Designer

• Must have the ability to design the interiors of train and rail

Bounty Hunter

• Hard-working, intelligent
• Preferably identical to the physique of Rob Lowe
• Must supply own guns and ammunition
• Must have hunting license

Dig Site Lifeguard

• Must be ab absolute, drop-dead hunk
• Shredded abs
• Rocking body
• CPR Certified
• Minimum of 1 year experience

Construction Worker (looking to hire 65)

• Must work in construction
• Must know 64 others working in construction

Coroner

• Minimum 4 years experience
• Must have quick-thinking abilities
• Able to identify the deceased on the spot within 5 minutes
• Good communication skills

Navy SEAL Lieutenant Commander

• Minimum 2 years experience (in boot camp)
• LARGE and IN CHARGE

For all interested in applying, Thalgus provides wonderful benefits and amenities. They include the following:

• No Pay

• Salary will be offered in SEARS vouchers

• Full Benefits with personalized options

• NO VISION, NO DENTAL, NO EXCEPTIONS

• 301K, Retirement planning

• 18 Weeks Vacation, 1 Sick Day

• Company Coroner on Standby

• Company will match funeral expenses

Start your career today! 

Call us for more info! 

1-800-6

8 Must-See Concerts This Summer

8 Must-See Concerts This Summer

You don't want to miss out on these summer shows...

Summer is halfway done, and if you haven't been to any exciting concerts yet, we have some that you don't want to skip. 

1. Alanis Morissette - LIVE at Union Park in Chicago (July 16th)

That's right, Alanis is back on stage and ready to rock the crowd in Chicago. It's her first concert since 2003 and she's picking up right where she left off. Plan on hearing her top hits, "Ironic", "You Know", and "I Ate Too Much Ben & Jerry's And Fell Asleep On The Couch".

2. Bertie Higgins - Key Largo Tour at Madison Square Garden (July 18th)

Bertie is making a comeback after his 1982 single "Key Largo" gained traction in Peru. The track hasn't been relevant since the first two weeks of its release back in 82, where it charted 74th on the Billboard Lukewarm 100. Bertie plans on a packed house for this one.

3. Lou Bega - The Complete Mambo Collection (LIVE IN DALLAS) (July 26th)

You may recall Lou Bega's famous hit "Mambo No.5" but you've never heard the other Mambo's from his hidden discography. Lou is unleashing them all LIVE in Dallas. After hearing Mambo No. 9, you'll be asking for a little more Ursula by your side.

4. Alanis Morissette - LIVE at Wyoming State Fair (July 27th)

Just in case you missed Alanis back in Chicago, the superstar will also be performing at the Wyoming State Fair. Get in on the action!

5. Skrillex & Cher - World Tour (Kicks off in Raleigh, NC - July 30th)

This collaboration concert will be one for the ages. It brings the energy and bass of electronic producer Skrillex and adds the soothing natural sounding voice of 36-time Grammy Award Winner Cher. Get ready to believe in life after love... after you drop the bass.

6. Raffi - LIVE in Phoenix (August 5th)

The children's singer/songwriting legend is bringing all the hits back with this incredible show at University of Phoenix Stadium. The Arizona Cardinals preseason matchup has been cancelled for this performance. Come out and shine the light on your phone, as you chant the memorable lyrics of "The More We Get Together" and "Baby Beluga" into the late hours of the night. This is a 6-hour concert, so bring plenty of Tylenol.

7. Alanis Morissette - LIVE in Anchorage (August 16th)

In case you missed Alanis in both Chicago and Wyoming, you also have the chance to see her perform in Alaska as the summer season wraps up. Grab your tickets now, you don't want to miss this one.

8. Dave - LIVE at Freddy's Mom's house (August 19th)

Dave got permission from his parents to host a garage concert sometime this summer. He was able to secure the August 19th date, but unfortunately, his Dad will be out of town on a business trip. Luckily, Freddy stepped in and got permission from his Mom to use their garage instead. Dave has been playing guitar for 6 months and is ready to WOW the crowds with simple C to G chord progressions. It's going to be an absolute rager!

Archeologists Uncover Ancient Cave Drawing of Willem Dafoe!

The Discovery of a Lifetime

The world is officially stunned at the discovery made this past Sunday. Just west of Manhattan, Archeologists began an excavation project, that uncovered an ancient cave drawing...but not just any cave drawing...

...At a closer glance, the cave drawing strongly resembles that of Willem Dafoe. Alarming, but quite undeniable after further inspection. 

Archeologists were astounded at the uncanny resemblance, and one excavator from the dig even claimed it was "...the most beautiful, yet disturbing drawing..." he'd ever seen...

So what does it mean? How could an ancient cave drawing perfectly depict the facial features of Willem Dafoe? Was it magic? Perhaps there was someone who looked similar to him in the stone ages? Or is time travel really a possibility? 

A curious mystery that we may never solve, yet many archeologists remain optimistic. Immediately following the discovery, the excavating crew requested additional funds to expand the project, and hopefully find some answers. You can stay up to date with their findings on the Manhattan City website, or visit www.willemdafoecavedrawing.net. 

There's nothing more patriotic than falafel!

Falafel on the 4th

The 4th of July. The day our country declared independence, is a special holiday for all of us Americans! For most of us, it is a time to celebrate by watching fireworks light up the sky, eating hot dogs off the grill, and screaming as your uncle Grover takes you out on the pontoon while drunk. But none of these activities capture the true American spirit, quite like falafel! 

Unknown to most, falafel was an American invention in 1777. It was concocted in a small village on the coast of North Carolina by a woman named Bernice. Initially created as a remedy for the common cold, Bernice became astounded at the sudden demand for her lovely recipe. Needless to say, falafel quickly gained a cult following, due to its rich taste and exquisite plumpness. However, just as the invention started to flourish, the town clergy deemed her a witch, and burned her at the stake...not fully realizing the consequences of their actions...that in death, Bernice became a martyr...

Subsequently, falafel skyrocketed in popularity across the centuries; forever cementing Bernice's legacy in American culture.

So as you celebrate the 4th of July this year, don't forget to pay homage to Bernice, who established one of the most respected traditions in American history...there's nothing more patriotic, than falafel!

If anyone sees Pedro, tell him to put the can back or else!

Photo of the infamous "Put can back Pedro" inscription. Circa 2019 (Colorized)

Help Catch the "Can Thief" of Rocky Ridge!

On Monday, July 1st, an inscription was found on the side of a residential dumpster in the suburb of Rocky Ridge. The inscription read, "Put can back Pedro" (pictured above)...obviously indicating that Pedro wrongfully stole a can from the Dumpster.  

There is currently a warrant out for Pedro's arrest in Rocky Ridge, so if you know of Pedro's whereabouts, please contact the Rocky Ridge Police Department.